You know when you remember something stupid that you said or did or just a really cringe moment, well I try to shove them down as much as possible but literally if anyone was really paying attention to me during the course of the day, they would think I’m a total freak because I’ll be in the middle of doing something and then my facial expression will suddenly just change and usually become quite twisted and disgusted. This moment only lasts a second or two, possibly more as I don’t always realise I am doing it.
The other weird part is what follow: I force myself to smile because in my head I am thinking “DENY DENY DENY”. I just want to pretend like it never happened. Either that or I am finding- or desperately searching for- the humour in whatever moment it was.
Everything is temporary, that has been my mantra for the past two years, and it has gotten me through do much. I can say it many different ways: “Keep moving forward”- Meet The Robinsons-, “this too shall pass” (my personal favourite) or even”Hakuna Matata”. The fact of the matter is all this bad shit, awkward shit, generally unpleasant shit comes to an end at some point, and I have said and written it so many time- partly because I have to repeat it in order to drill it into my belief system- but in the grand scheme of things none of those will matter soon.
I am an avid advocate of minimising the number of stupid things you do as well as their level of stupidity because the higher that level is, the more likely it is to come back and bite you in the ass. And the harder it is to chant these mantras and mean it. Be calculating about your stupidity, that includes who you are stupid with. Assess the situation. I have done quite a few (in my book) stupid things in the last 2 years but I calculated before hand and even though there have been some unforeseen things cropping up, my initial assessment has made it less difficult to deal with. Of course, I am talking about boys and love (or the illusion of it) and sex. Specifically one boy. And even that ‘one boy’ part is important because i knew that I wanted to make all my mistakes with one person rather than a bunch of people who like to talk.
Do I regret anything? At this point in my life, no not really. Other than the cringey moments that I eventually get through I am pretty happy to say that I don’t have any major regrets. But I also feel like my life is pretty boring sometimes. And THAT my friends is the dangerous part.
I will get into the philosophical and psychological aspects of this, but boredom- or rather seeming boredom- is a malignant force. At least for me, it has been. And it’s the reason why I try to stay off social media and things like that as much as possible.
It’s hard! It’s hard. And I really shouldn’t be preaching to anyone, nor do I want to because I constantly make that mistake when really I’m still struggling and it kind of tricks your brain into believing you’ve dealt with something when you haven’t. I used to think that’s a good thing – in fact, i didn’t even know I was fooling myself because I’m so good at it- but it’s not. If you’re like me, if you deal with things through deep reflection, don’t mistake knowing who to progress and heal with actual progress and healing.