The world is just this really complicated, chaotic and exhausting place. It’s so big man. Sometimes I feel like I’m too small and other times I feel like I’m just way to noticeable, and sometimes I feel like other people are the problem: their lives are just to apparent (if that’s even the right word).
I feel like most of my life has been this journey of trying to find ways to create a space for myself where I just feel comfortable, somewhere I can observe and participate without being too involved mentally and spiritually. But it seems like the older I get the more complicated that process becomes; having a space and feeling comfortable are so difficult to do. It’s so hard to be content, to have peace within yourself because you not only are you aware of these external forces but they invariably have an impact on your life. And it can be the smallest thing that affects you.
The exposure is like a double-edged sword; I love it but I hate it. Sometimes, like at this point in my life, I really feel like I’m lacking in control. I have to have more and more methods to create this space and I’m constantly searching for new ones.
Music is, I feel, one of the best cures for pretty much fucking everything man. Like If I didn’t have music, I don’t know where I would be right now. I don’t think I would have been able to stay positive or sane through a lot of things. But the problem is that music is only temporarily uplifting, so although I let it wash over me when I feel some way, that feeling fades away a little while after the music stops.
The other thing I’ve realised is that I process things by how they make me feel.
Am I happy?
I’m very anxious. Lately, I’ve just been very anxious all the time. I’m just very worried man. It’s like the song ‘Awake’ by PJ: “My dreams keep me awake at night”. All the things I want to do, I’m so anxious that they won’t happen, genuinely worried. And it terrifies me even more because I’ve never felt that way before. I have always been extremely hopeful about my future. Not even hope, extremely optimistic and confident. But not that’s coloured with uncertainty.
This college application process -a process that I basically looked forward to my entire life and thought I would really enjoy- is causing me so much pain because it’s just nothing like I thought it would be. I just keep feeling likeI want to cry or run away or give up, and I did: I cried pretty much the entire weekend last weekend. Just nonstop tear shedding.I feel unacceptably fragile right now and the task is just to decrease my stress as much as possible so that anything avoidably stressful is just gone.