I need to find myself a modern day Malcolm X (post-prison version)
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be someone’s muse… I’ve always wanted to be.
You can tell a lot about a person by the fonts they use
I wish I had the determination of a super villain
So every time I talk to my mom about something that we disagree on and I start to get a little bit frustrated, the phrase “you think you know more than your parents” comes up, and it irks me no end. Nigerian parent struggles my life.
The problem at the moment is the fact that I want to study philosophy and she does not think that it is at all a worthwhile degree. But philosophy in England is very different from philosophy in the US.
Anyway, that is not the point of this, I am not here to argue about the merits of a degree in Philosophy. My problem is that annoying phrase, let me remind you: “you think you know more than your parents”.
Look, I love my mom and dad and I really do value what they say because I know that they are older and therefore wiser than me in a lot of regards- if you want to take the Aristotelian stance that experience is what breeds wisdom- but let’s just unpick this real quick:
What do they mean when they say “know” as in, “you think you know”? Because if we are talking pure, factual knowledge, as in an understanding of philosophy, what it means to study it at university and its merits, then yes I do “know” more than them. They are undoubtedly wiser than me in the sense that their reasoning and judgement is definitely better than mine, but what good is that wisdom in assessing a situation if you don’t also have accurate facts? Your judgement is inevitably going to be wrong because it is based on preconceived, often inaccurate, notions and prejudices. That is precisely the problem in this case.
It would be great if my parents, with open minds, would just put aside whatever preconceived notions they have and listen to the facts. I’m not even talking about just from me- because it is fair to say that my testimony will be full of biased passion- I’m talking about from experts and other people who are well versed in understanding this matter. I don’t feel that it is right to dismiss the testimonies of my teachers and counsellors because they have an in-depth understanding how the education and job system in England work.
And although my parents may argue that they know me and they know what’s best for me they would do well to accept that when it comes to academics my teachers know me best, even more so because I live in the school. and if they have entrusted me to this institution then they should also trust that a lot of them have my best interest at heart, so they should be working with them. Not seeing them as working against out family vision because if I am constantly told that the careers advisors and my teachers don’t know what’s up and are just pushing me in a direction- which they aren’t- then I become isolated and am therefore in a weaker position. And frankly, let’s face the facts, I can’t afford to be isolated from them when my parents aren’t even around all the time. That’s not a criticism it’s the truth and it’s okay because there are systems in place to make sure that they don’t have to constantly be on my heels and worrying. Things just don’t work if they don’t trust that system. But what is the point in paying for a system you don’t trust? (I realise this leads to some bigger questions mostly about governments and taxes etc.)
Back to my original point. I feel that once they know and understand all that then I will be content because I’ll at least know that even if they tell me I still can’t study philosophy- which I’m convinced they wouldn’t if they knew all the facts- at least i can trust that they are using their best judgement.
(AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PHILOSOPHY!)
But on another note, to all the people who keep telling me that it is my life and that I should just go and do what I want to do and study what I want to study. YOU GUYS WILL KUKU KILL ME O!! Are you actually trying to see me die?? Which kind “it is my life”? For where? When my parents have told me I belong to them and freedom is not a right, in fact, they have even said when I am 30 I will still have to listen to them . When I am 40, I will have to listen to them. Talkless of school fees, tell me to get a job and pay for it myself. MAD PEOPLE. That would make no difference in my household. You clearly don’t have African parents.
The more serious side of this is that, as my Ethics teacher was saying today, different cultures have different virtues, so even though individuality and choice is the most prevalent virtue in the West we need to remember that isn’t the same for every other culture. I come from a developing country (Nigeria) and so it’s understandable that degrees that are seen to be more beneficial to the development of the country are the ones which are held in high esteem. Obedience and respect for your parents are also major virtues. My parents are really supportive of me and we have a shared vision of where my life is going, service to society is a big part of our family’s ethos and as mine as an individual. I get that philosophy is kinda seen as this aristocratic study that’s all theory and no action, so it would seem pointless to study it but that’s not the case.
All that said, I JUST WANT TO STUDY PHILOSOPHY AT UNIVERSITY. PLEASE MOM AND DAD, FREE ME!
You know when you remember something stupid that you said or did or just a really cringe moment, well I try to shove them down as much as possible but literally if anyone was really paying attention to me during the course of the day, they would think I’m a total freak because I’ll be in the middle of doing something and then my facial expression will suddenly just change and usually become quite twisted and disgusted. This moment only lasts a second or two, possibly more as I don’t always realise I am doing it.
The other weird part is what follow: I force myself to smile because in my head I am thinking “DENY DENY DENY”. I just want to pretend like it never happened. Either that or I am finding- or desperately searching for- the humour in whatever moment it was.
Everything is temporary, that has been my mantra for the past two years, and it has gotten me through do much. I can say it many different ways: “Keep moving forward”- Meet The Robinsons-, “this too shall pass” (my personal favourite) or even”Hakuna Matata”. The fact of the matter is all this bad shit, awkward shit, generally unpleasant shit comes to an end at some point, and I have said and written it so many time- partly because I have to repeat it in order to drill it into my belief system- but in the grand scheme of things none of those will matter soon.
I am an avid advocate of minimising the number of stupid things you do as well as their level of stupidity because the higher that level is, the more likely it is to come back and bite you in the ass. And the harder it is to chant these mantras and mean it. Be calculating about your stupidity, that includes who you are stupid with. Assess the situation. I have done quite a few (in my book) stupid things in the last 2 years but I calculated before hand and even though there have been some unforeseen things cropping up, my initial assessment has made it less difficult to deal with. Of course, I am talking about boys and love (or the illusion of it) and sex. Specifically one boy. And even that ‘one boy’ part is important because i knew that I wanted to make all my mistakes with one person rather than a bunch of people who like to talk.
Do I regret anything? At this point in my life, no not really. Other than the cringey moments that I eventually get through I am pretty happy to say that I don’t have any major regrets. But I also feel like my life is pretty boring sometimes. And THAT my friends is the dangerous part.
I will get into the philosophical and psychological aspects of this, but boredom- or rather seeming boredom- is a malignant force. At least for me, it has been. And it’s the reason why I try to stay off social media and things like that as much as possible.
It’s hard! It’s hard. And I really shouldn’t be preaching to anyone, nor do I want to because I constantly make that mistake when really I’m still struggling and it kind of tricks your brain into believing you’ve dealt with something when you haven’t. I used to think that’s a good thing – in fact, i didn’t even know I was fooling myself because I’m so good at it- but it’s not. If you’re like me, if you deal with things through deep reflection, don’t mistake knowing who to progress and heal with actual progress and healing.
The world is just this really complicated, chaotic and exhausting place. It’s so big man. Sometimes I feel like I’m too small and other times I feel like I’m just way to noticeable, and sometimes I feel like other people are the problem: their lives are just to apparent (if that’s even the right word).
I feel like most of my life has been this journey of trying to find ways to create a space for myself where I just feel comfortable, somewhere I can observe and participate without being too involved mentally and spiritually. But it seems like the older I get the more complicated that process becomes; having a space and feeling comfortable are so difficult to do. It’s so hard to be content, to have peace within yourself because you not only are you aware of these external forces but they invariably have an impact on your life. And it can be the smallest thing that affects you.
The exposure is like a double-edged sword; I love it but I hate it. Sometimes, like at this point in my life, I really feel like I’m lacking in control. I have to have more and more methods to create this space and I’m constantly searching for new ones.
Music is, I feel, one of the best cures for pretty much fucking everything man. Like If I didn’t have music, I don’t know where I would be right now. I don’t think I would have been able to stay positive or sane through a lot of things. But the problem is that music is only temporarily uplifting, so although I let it wash over me when I feel some way, that feeling fades away a little while after the music stops.
The other thing I’ve realised is that I process things by how they make me feel.
Am I happy?
I’m very anxious. Lately, I’ve just been very anxious all the time. I’m just very worried man. It’s like the song ‘Awake’ by PJ: “My dreams keep me awake at night”. All the things I want to do, I’m so anxious that they won’t happen, genuinely worried. And it terrifies me even more because I’ve never felt that way before. I have always been extremely hopeful about my future. Not even hope, extremely optimistic and confident. But not that’s coloured with uncertainty.
This college application process -a process that I basically looked forward to my entire life and thought I would really enjoy- is causing me so much pain because it’s just nothing like I thought it would be. I just keep feeling likeI want to cry or run away or give up, and I did: I cried pretty much the entire weekend last weekend. Just nonstop tear shedding.I feel unacceptably fragile right now and the task is just to decrease my stress as much as possible so that anything avoidably stressful is just gone.